Is popularity the goal?

I recall having a conversation once with a clergy colleague who said he’d always wished he could be friends with Jesus of Nazareth. I admitted that I found that prospect to be rather horrifying: “I think I would be terrified of Jesus most of the time. He flaunted social norms; he preached about violence, eternal fire, and self-sacrifice; he overturned the tables in the temple. I don’t think I would want to be his friend.” Jesus embodied love, but to use the language of Mitch Prinstein, Jesus wasn’t very likable.

Prinstein is a child psychologist who teaches at the University of North Carolina at Chapel Hill. His new book is incredibly helpful in the distinction it draws between two forms of popularity: status and likability. It’s marketed as a book to help people become more successful and happier in life. “This book helped me understand why I wasn’t cool as a kid, why I’m still not today, and why I shouldn’t care,” says the blurb by bestselling author Adam Grant printed on the front cover. But it’s much more than a self-help book. It presents in an accessible way the latest scientific research on the effects of popularity on people’s behavior and relationships, with a larger aim that has ethical resonances. It reads like an apologia for people to be more likable.

As it turns out, status (which our culture often reveres as a mark of popularity and something to be achieved at all cost) doesn’t make for happier or more successful people. But likeability (which also leads to popularity) does, and it has the added benefit of creating a more cohesive culture. “The efforts required to obtain status—behaviors such as aggressiveness, disregarding the feelings of others, and selfishness—should not be what we esteem for ourselves or for our society.” Instead, we should prioritize likability, which means