When God changed with me

“I can feel your love in this place,” the chorus blasts at full volume, skillfully performed by the worship band on stage.

I felt nothing. No matter how many times they repeated the musical phrase, each time with increasing resonance complete with climactic chord changes, I felt nothing. I fiddled around in my purse, fingering my smartphone, waiting for the first appropriate moment to whip it out and scroll.

It hasn’t always been like this for me. I was the teenager on fire for God. I raised my hand at every altar call, giving my life to Jesus in all the ways known to my young self. I sat under John Piper’s fiery teachings at Wheaton College’s World Christian Fellowship nights, where he passionately exhorted us to fulfill the desires of God’s heart, which is to be glorified among all the nations. We belted praise songs at the tops of our lungs, waving our hands wildly as my thumping heart echoed the palpable spirit in the room. I promised, yes, Lord, send me, I will go.