Advent and retreat

I found myself
staring at the wall. I'd done two- and three-day retreats, but this was four
days alone in a cottage, and the stretch of time was unnerving. I had to go
outside to get cell phone reception and (horrors!) walk a quarter of a mile if
I wanted to get online. At first the disconnection was deafening.

I had wanted to
get away. I was moving through family changes and needed to rest and react to
them. I was moving through congregational work and not feeling engaged, and I
needed to step back from that. And it was Advent; in other years I've found
that I can blink and miss the season altogether. So I retreated.

The challenges
of the retreat were waiting for me. As I walked, sat, prepared and ate meals,
read and prayed, my mind began wandering freely. I replayed recent events, from
meetings to personal conversations to some very dusty, unvisited memories.
There were moments of unexpected grief from sadnesses usually kept in place,
from fears felt more keenly than usual. I struggled with some challenges.