April 16, Easter 2A (John 20:19-31)
There is a blessing for those who have not come to believe and yet keep trying to see.
Before I went to seminary, I dated an atheist for a few months. He was a doctoral student in philosophy at the University of Chicago, specializing in ethics. He did not believe in God and thought religion was a joke. But the man couldn’t stay away from church. In fact, I met him in an inquirer’s class at our local Episcopal parish. We got to know each other during a car ride with some friends, driving back late at night from Easter Vigil at the cathedral where some of our friends were confirmed.
He told me he was endlessly fascinated that people whom he deeply respected, who were clearly highly intelligent, believed in things he could not. He felt there was something good about church people—a goodness he felt drawn to. He said he had no capacity for faith or belief, but it haunted him all the same.
He reminds me of a Jewish story about an avowed atheist who goes to synagogue every week. When asked why, the atheist replies: “I don’t believe in God, but I know old Mr. Goldberg does. I come to sit next to Mr. Goldberg. Goldberg talks to God, and I come to talk to Goldberg.” Maybe my atheist boyfriend was dating me in part because I was talking to God, and then he could talk to me. We broke up, and two decades later, I’m not sure whether he attends church anymore. But during my ordination liturgy, four years after our breakup, I looked up and saw him in the back of the cathedral. He didn’t stay to greet me, but he was there.
