"You go to the Oscars, so nervous you clutch your fellow presenter’s hand. And the next day, you wake up to a bunch of cheap goddamn shots about your face."
"The Cool Girl never nags, or “just wants one” of your chili fries, because she orders a giant order for herself."
"Jennifer Lawrence is Hollywood’s current girl crush, and she's got a bright career ahead of her—as long as she maintains her youthful looks until her deathbed, or else picks the appropriate moment to crawl into a hole to wait to die."
"You may have bought property there, but all you’ve bought is a kind of junior membership in the club, with voice but not vote."
"If motherhood is a full-time job, then isn’t fatherhood a full-time job?"
"Unlike her buddy Barbie, who is forever stuck with her arms folded like she's about to serve a cheese plate, Lammily will be able to 'play' sports."
"You think going out and mixing it up with refugees and orphans and homeless people is what we need? Granted, their needs are a bit more tangible than mine, but I'm starting to think mine are being ignored entirely."
"I am a conscientious objector, and I am drawn to violence."