Survival guide

Memo from a church consultant
Dear Congregation of the St. Pachomius Byzantine Orthodox Church: Pursuant to our contractual agreement dated August 1 of this year, I have completed my evaluation of your church. I have, as you requested, assessed your worship as to its compatibility with contemporary sensibilities. I have researched the tradition of your own congregation and also studied the Leading Indicators of Spiritual Trends (LIST). The report is organized in six categories.

Food: I begin here since this is where the people are. They want food but not necessarily foreign food. Also, distributing it from the altar at the close of the service is not good.

I recommend that you secure a Starbucks franchise; locate it in what is now the prayer room just off the foyer. If a communion service is absolutely necessary, develop techniques to make it move a little quicker; research indicates that videos shown during the lag time are well received.

 

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