Selling out?

January 10, 2011

In my first years in ministry, the senior minister I worked with had a policy of performing weddings for any couple that asked, whether they were connected to the congregation or not. He believed that this was one way to show hospitality to couples who did not attend church and who later  might return to church as a result of that hospitality.

Since I was a newly ordained associate minister, the senior minister's policy became my policy. And due to my status in the hierarchy, I got stuck with most of those nonmember weddings. I came to dread them more than any other aspect of ministry.

The unchurched couples would order me around like any other service provider they had contracted with. They would bore me with rants about why they hated organized religion or why their wedding pictures would actually be much prettier if taken at First Congregational Church. And why, they wondered, couldn't the videographer stand in front of the cross and Bible to get the best shot of the ring bearer? Surely you can picture that ring bearer—too young to talk, with no idea what he is doing, dressed up like a little magician in satin and velour.

I could and did perform those rent-a-church weddings. But I hated myself in the morning. A few of these couples did show up again at church, but it was often to avail themselves of something else they regarded like a service for purchase—the sacrament of baptism. These new parents who had not attended church stood up to make promises they showed no evidence of intending to carry out.

I disagreed with my senior colleague about the value of providing those wedding services to nonmembers and vowed that I wouldn't perform them when the decision was left to me. And I have tried to stick to that policy.

Jeffrey MacDonald says that disciplines of that sort are rare in American churches. We have all watched churches grow to enormous sizes, some of them by throwing out the hard teachings of Jesus in favor of offering Christianity-lite entertainment. Small mainline churches are not immune to the temptation to bend over backward to meet people's desires. We think if we provide it and they like it, they will come. Conservatives and liberals share the same consumer orientation and the same temptation to put people-pleasing programs above disciplined faithfulness.

MacDonald's biting critique is must reading, even though it makes us wince. It encourages me to make my performance of weddings and baptisms count for something. To be honest, I've bent those rules for some members' grandchildren. I've compromised in countless other ways to make the Christian path a little smoother and a little more appealing to the new traveler.

The religious marketplace MacDonald describes is full of people looking for a church that meets their needs. MacDonald argues that we often don't know what we need, so instead we choose what we want—a faith that requires very little of us. What we need is a faith that requires commitment, sacrifice and the occasional denial of our own desires. People shop for churches that will meet their desires when they ought to be looking for a church that will shape their desires.

As it is, they have no intention of, for instance, letting the church shape their desire for a perfect wedding into a desire for a meaningful marriage supported by a community of faith. The little ring bearer, the focus of the wedding ceremony, often trumps Jesus. That dressed-up drooling toddler can't talk, can't demand anything and has yet to do anything that isn't cute. How can Jesus and the cross compete with that?

Jesus can't compete, at least among people whose only connection to the church is their videotaped wedding day. Jesus might be able to trump it among people who allow themselves to be shaped over time by the church. But how many churches are doing that hard work of shaping desires?

MacDonald views with disdain churches that ought to confront the sin of greed and instead preach a prosperity gospel in which Jesus becomes the magical genie who delivers wealth to those who trust in him. (This Jesus appears to deliver enormous wealth to the preacher as well.) In these churches, the generosity of the parishioners is linked to a quid pro quo system in which the giver is guaranteed a rate of return. But as MacDonald knows, Jesus never promised material benefits. He lived in voluntary simplicity and rejected the power of money and material things.

In one stinging section, MacDonald takes aim at church trips overseas, calling the people who take them "vacationaries." The work of long-term missionaries, who spend years overseas, is increasingly overshadowed by the efforts of small groups that go overseas for a brief experience that purports to serve others but is really, MacDonald says, all about the travelers' need to gain a sense of accomplishment. These mission trips meet the travelers' need to feel successful, either by winning souls or by being able to brag about the good they did—all without engaging the host culture on any meaningful level.

He reports on a neighborhood in Tijuana where children  "have learned to pretend they've never heard the gospel," because church groups arrive every couple of weeks to shower them with treats along with messages about salvation. A former trainer of church youth leaders near the Mexico border observes groups that come in, run a vacation Bible school and lead the kids to Christ—and then it happens all over again. "Here the religious marketplace makes a mockery of the missions."

MacDonald promises to give redeeming examples of church, and in the end he does. Oddly, all of them are in Minnesota. He deliberately picks a mid-American city and finds encouraging signs across the denominational and theological spectrum, including megachurches that go deeper into faith through small groups and college students who seek authentic experiences of faith when they go overseas on short trips.

At his best in throwing slings and arrows, MacDonald throws them with the passion of one who has tasted ministry and found it bitter, but who still cares about the church enough to improve it. His cranky, passionate scolding is worth the price of the book.

But the scolding does not cover the whole story. For example, Christianity has always had its embarrassing versions of the prosperity gospel—from the selling of indulgences, by which the church offered large donors a quicker trip through purgatory, to the current obsession with Jesus as providing a "get rich quick" plan. This sort of thing is not new in the church. When Jesus made Peter the rock of the church, he ensured that the organization would always have the capacity to be as flawed as its participants.

It also needs to be said that the church over the centuries has named the sin of greed and combated it. While the televangelists get the air time, most churches have worked to cultivate the virtue of generosity in quiet and humble ways, the most important being the "ask" every Sunday to share one's wealth and one's money and one's time with a bunch of nonfamily members we call the church.

And many churches work hard to make their mission workers more than "vacationaries." Even if the mission trip is short, these churches try to focus not only on the needs of the host community but also on the gifts and wisdom that the hosts offer. Rather than presume that others need our religion or our ideas, many church groups ask their hosts for guidance. While these trips are far from perfect, many of them treat the host culture with respect rather than condescension.

I remember a church trip to Guatemala on which we were told to keep to ourselves any comments on how the houses we were to help build might be constructed more efficiently. Our hosts knew that Americans were going to recommend using cement mixers and other techniques, but we were supposed to resist that temptation. They stressed that we were there not only to help but also to learn. It turned out that no one could ever get a cement mixer anywhere near the houses we were building on crowded hillsides, though that wasn't the sort of thing one could tell from first glance. In that trip, the desire to feel good about one's work was challenged by the need for a generous spirit. Rather than try to make our mark, we sat with folks who made a mark on us. That is the kind of heart-changing work that the church should be about—and often is.

MacDonald discloses that he is an ordained minister in the United Church of Christ, and his book is stronger because of that experience. The examples from his own ministry make for good reading, and they are, for pastors, painfully recognizable. If pastors are to have their hands smacked, better that it be done by someone who has faced the challenges and even failed, as MacDonald admits he has in many situations.

But MacDonald's time in the parish was very short. He says that the very issues he writes about drove him from the ministry after only a few years. Missing from the book is the experience of hope that comes from the redemption of long-term service. When times are tough, I thank God that I have more than those early years in the ministry to sustain me. I wrestled a lot in those years with the hypocrisy of the church and the pressure to raise attendance and money, as well as the compulsion to meet everyone's needs. And there were those awful rent-a-church weddings that didn't seem to jibe much with the last course I took on liberation theology. If this was ministry, then there were many times when I was embarrassed to be associated with it. Sometimes I still am.

But I came to see more blessings than reasons for outrage. MacDonald might suspect that my core values have softened over the years and that I've been compromised and become complacent. But where does love fit into all of this judgment? There is work I can do as a pastor to shape the desires of my congregation because I have been with them more than two years and because I have done this work long enough to see desires get shaped and changed. I have even seen some of those rent-a-church couples join the church and follow through on those baptismal promises.

I still don't want to perform their weddings. But apparently the Holy Spirit has lower standards than I do.


Weddings for the Unchurched

Like your colleague, I've always done weddings for people with no church and I laughed about the experiences mentioned; I've had most of them and could add to the list.

Yet, especially now, especially for the bridzillas, the families determined to show off, the weddings centered on the photos or the reception or something else, it can be an amazing teaching opportunity. The whole culture is lying to these couples: lying about the nature of their wedding day (that it is an invitation to total selfishness), lying about the nature of marriage (you will be automaticly "soul mates), lying about the importance of the ceremony (who cares what's said? it's the band at the reception that's important). It is a chance for us to tell the truth.

We preach on Sunday to people who don't listen, after all; all you have to do is look at the lives of church goers to see that. Yet every preacher hopefully has those moments when somehow the Word touches someone and (often a long time later), it turns out that it was all worth it.

The same is true of these weddings. They can be frustrating experiences; but every once in a while, someone comes back, and says... "You know? our wedding made us want to see what the rest of going to church was like.."

Not often enough: but then, even Jesus didn't make a disciple every time he invited--consider the Rich Young Ruler who went away sorrowfully.

So, yes, I continue to do these weddings, in all their gaudy, frustrating, annoying variety, just like I continue to show up on Sunday, hoping somehow God will work.

Thieves in the Temple

There are so many things upon which to comment that I don't know where to begin. Some ministers are happy and fulfilled. Some aren't. Perhaps it has something to do with congregational size and resources. Perhaps it's all temperament. But the one thing I'm fairly certain of is that all congregations - no matter their size or resources - contain problematic people. Far more often, at least in my experiences, dissatisfying episodes have resulted from long-time parishioners who simply refuse to believe that God might have them be shaped by a pastor. An obstinate cradle member carries the potential to wreak far more havoc than a flash in the pan, rent-a-wedding couple. And a few of them united can severely disrupt a minister's personal life, such as it is. Every minister has to decide his/her boundaries, and how much he/she is willing to personally sacrifice for the sake of the integrity of the Gospel. And like Christ, we are all called to pour ourselves out: for his sake, and the sake of the Church. I have no need to read MacDonald's book. I don't care how cranky he has been, and have no desire to be convicted by someone who, having experienced the heat, so easily fled the kitchen.

Not sure what is right

I feel rather have couple come to churchm but i would ask them to go premarriage talks. They need to have good outlook on what marriage is about and what it is not.

Giving the Church away

These are difficult moments in the life of clergy and the understanding of the pew culture mentality. Using the context of weddings, I believe the church is harmed when, as one ad runs in Oswego Illinois, "Will do weddings any time anywhere...!" I am one who is not willing to do a wedding simply because they want one. To simply do it without expectation is a moment of "... did not do unto me..." It is right to do a wedding / baptism in the "hopes" that it will one day mean something to the participant? Yes. Yes I believe that it does. We simply are conforming to society and being led by it rather than leading it. It is not elitist to have an expectation that Jesus be more than a wedding guest, where in fact he should be a life long roommate! We want to blame prayer out of school when in truth, for far to many, even or perhaps especially those in the pew, want Jesus at our finger tips much like a television remote control, that as soon as another message comes on that we don't want to listen to, we simply change channels until we find something more appealing, more along our own likes and dislikes ... mainly something that satisfies just enough to keep up pacified. We are too invested in the mentality of Men are from Mars and Woman are from Venous. Whereas we would be better off remember that Jesus is from Heaven, ... and so are we! We should not be afraid to stand up and be counted ... for now, I am ready to eat some of this meat, and I am prepared for what I will find, a wonderfully fully flavored piece of meat which will no doubt contain a little fat and a little gristle. Some times we must cut things away to get to the really good stuff!

Selling Out

Lillian Daniel raises the crucial question when she asks: "But where does love fit into all of this judgment? In the final analysis the issue is what does agape do in any situation. Some times it stands silently watching a rich man turn his back on Life because he is very wealthy. Regarding weddings, it was my practice to say to non-member couples, "You understand, I'm sure, that the church is not in the marrying business but in the business of making disciples. Here's my response to your request. If you will give me an opportunity to tell you what all the shouting has been about for the past 2,000 years (new member class), I'll unconditionally do your wedding." Most couples accepted my offer and about half over 38 years became faithful members of the church.

I'm of a middle ground accomodate those unchurched seeking weddings, within strict guidelines. But I love love love love love what he said about the prosperity gospel and its adherents. Today, the right-wing critics of Mainline churches, most especially the Institute for Religion and Democracy and its various incarnations, the Methodist antipope of which is the odious Mark Tooley, constantly deride the liberal mainliners for losing members. It's all a numbers game with them. If right-wing extremism sells, and it does, they swallow it. They promote hatred against LGBTs and vulnerable women who have or seek abortions as a marketing tool, using the sale of hatred against those their customer base claims to not know, to get butts into the pews. Thanks for the info.

Helping them Shop

Here is the practice that developed in my ministry over time. When someone calls to ask if I do weddings, I reply that I do. I listen to and answer the questions they ask. But eventually I ask, "Have we ever had the chance to meet?" The answer is invariably, "No." I say, "Will you be recording the service.' "Yes," they reply. I say, "So you will be remembering me for better or for worse, as I will be in that video. Let me make a suggestion, why don't you two come to church this Sunday and if you like what you see, then introduce yourselves and we will begin the process for the wedding. If you don't like what you see, then you can slip you by the side door." They always say, "We will see you this Sunday. Thank you." They rarely show up, and if they do, it shows that they have an interest in the life of faith that can be built upon.

Thieves in the Temple

While all the above have their own degrees of truth (being unfaithful in various shapes and degrees), I am fully convinced the greatest "thief" in the church is the minister! When ministers shrink from fully and faithfully presenting the gospel of Christ to challenge and correct the wayward and warring madness of our day, WE exhibit the worst example of accommodation. I know of too many clergy who, for fear of losing members and/or their contributions and out of a concern to preserve their own place in ministry, have declined to proclaim even the most obvious prophetic word from their pulpit. On occasion, I have succumbed to this temptation myself. Tragically, when we clergy grow so timid and faithfully mute, we sell out, not only our own soul, but the soul of the church. And we wonder why participation in churches declines! Sadly, this discussion and my comment, coming as they do on The Christian Century’s site, will be like preaching to the choir… largely read by those already committed to fighting the good fight against this temptation. May God be with us all!

entertaining angels unaware

Like Lillian Daniel, I too have woken the next morning after performing one of these weddings and hated myself for it. I too have been bored by the groom's rants againts organized religion, and sighed deeply when the bride asks me to 'hurry up my prayers' so they can get the reception going.

And yet, and yet. For every one of these couples that drives me crazy I wonder (and I pray) that perhaps a word or two will from the ceremony will stay with them long enough to speak to them when it matters most - after the flowers have died, the wedding pictures are framed, and the real marriage begins.

Maybe this is also a good time to remember to what we are called. God knows we clergy have so many good reasons not to do these weddings, but then I remember how scripture tells us to not neglect strangers, for in doing so we might entertain angels unaware. And I wonder: might the strangers in this case be that couple standing in front of me , stumbling over their vows?

Letter from William Self

Regarding G. Jeffrey MacDonald’s Thieves in the Temple (reviewed in the January 25 issue): I’m tired of criticism of the church by those who have no stomach for the hard work it takes to pastor a church. I’ve done it for 55 years, and I’ve seen all that MacDonald talks about and more--but the church is still the best thing God has going in this world. I’ll listen to Mac­Donald when his opinions bear the stain not of his wounded idealism but of his tears mixed with his life­blood.

William Self
Alpharetta, Ga.